Turning Point...

It's been a while since I last blogged. Have been kind of down lately and feeling like to want to squirrel myself away from the world to protect myself. My husband and I have been dealing with some work related issues that have made it very stressful lately. We are at a point where we are re-evaluating what is REALLY important. Life is too short to waste energy on people and situations where you are not being appreciated for what you do. At this point in time we feel like we are being taken advantage of and have come to realize that we need to step back and re-take control. After all it is OUR life. Thank goodness for all of our incredible friends and family who have lent a sympathetic ear and offered sound advise, support, hugs, and anything else we've needed these last several weeks. It has been much appreciated.



This year I am going to focus on moving ahead. I know many changes will be coming but they will be for the better. It's time to move on and I am actually starting to get excited about the possibilities. So here's to the New Year and the possibilities that lie in front of us... may they bring us to better places! Hope you have a Prosperous and Happy New Year!



The photos are of a spider that made it's home on our back porch a couple of summers ago. I thought it was a good image for this post as "spiders represent balance between past and future, physical and spiritual, male and female. Spider webs often take a spiral shape, the traditional form of creativity and development. The spider found within the web reminds us that we are the center of our own world... Spider reminds us that the world is woven around us. We are the keepers and writers of our own destiny, weaving it like a web with our thoughts, feelings and actions."
Excerpt from Animal Speak by Ted Andrews

Inner Space

I have been very thoughtful lately. Fall usually does that to me. It's the changing of the seasons... the transition time. Summer is a time to be external while winter is a time to be internal with fall being the transition between the two. In the fall, I usually find myself dreaming quite intense and strange dreams. It always seems as if I am processing some information from the darkest, deepest recesses of my mind that I am never fully aware of. I always want to slow down and savor the inner moments as they make me more aware of who I really am and I end up feeling more concrete in my being.



During the summer, because of the weather, it is easy to be outside of ourselves. But sometimes I think we focus so much outside of ourselves, on what others are doing, that we forget what we are doing or where we are going to begin with. We are so worried with keeping up with everyone else and not getting left behind that we forget that we are on our own journey and to enjoy that journey as we are going along. Fall and winter are good times to reflect on that journey and to reconnect if we've become out of touch with it. The dreams that occur in the fall always remind me of where I am in regards to my awareness of the journey if I am willing to pay attention to them.



This past year has been so full of external things for me that I've been feeling quite out of balance lately. It seems as if things are speeding up, going faster and faster, and I can't keep up. There are never enough hours in the day to do everything that I need to do let alone what I want to do. For a while there, I was making myself crazy trying to do it all. I finally realized that I have to start being even more selective with my choices. Luckily, I have been able to reflect on some old expectations that I've had of myself and had a change of heart. I've realized what was once right for me is no longer because I am now a different person. It's amazing because these were expectations and ideas I had struggled with for many years but once the new idea was accepted and the expectation dropped, it all seemed so simple.



Of course I am still processing these revelations and am sure they have more to teach me... if I listen...

Positive Thoughts

As I was eating my fruit bar today I saw these tiny snowflake type crystals. They reminded me of a book I had read called "The Miracle of Water" by Masaru Emoto. Dr Emoto has been doing water-crystal research for years studying the effects of words and language on water crystal formation. He has found that positive words like love, beauty, and peace create the most symmetrical and beautiful crystals while negative words create misshapen and deformed crystals. The significance of his work is tremendous because the human body is made up of approximately 70% water. Many of us have been conditioned to accept negative self talk as a necessary part of life. If negative thoughts and words can do this to water what is it doing to our bodies? How many of us have health conditions that are the result of this negative thinking? It was a good reminder to me to be mindful of the words that I am not only saying but also thinking.

I also had the thought that this fruit bar must have been made by happy people...

Perfection and Perceptions

Today I was reflecting on my yoga practice. I was contemplating the the idea of "letting things be as they are", a phrase quoted often by my teachers, realizing how important of a lesson it is for me. It made me think of all those years I spent trying to be perfect and feeling like I was never good enough. Now I notice I am enjoying the imperfections because when a moment of perfection does occur, the perception of it seems heightened and I end up feeling truly blessed.

Life Force and Life Lessons...

Last week my youngest brother ended up in the hospital. He has a condition called allergic gastritis and gets ulcers from it. This time he lost so much blood that he had to get 3 units of blood while he was in the hospital. He's been hospitalized for this before but it was worse this time. Luckily they cauterized the ulcer and once his blood count started going up they sent him home. He was only in for a few days but as I'm sure many will agree that even one day in the hospital is one too many. He has already had more tests, needles and drugs than I will probably ever have in my whole life. I do not envy him.

We were talking a few days ago and he mentioned how he was kind of freaked out that he has someone else in him now because of the transfusion. It's not because of the potential for disease but just because of the fact that someone else's blood is mixing with his own. He's grateful that his life was saved but it still freaks him out that some else's life force is running through his veins. Our conversation really made me think about who we are not only on a physical level but also on a spiritual level. What are we really? How much of the physical vs spiritual are we? Can we really separate the two? And if not then how much of someone else do we really take in when we receive a gift like my brother did? It also made me think of how things seem to happen for a reason and how we should always try to look for the lessons an experience in life can teach us. I am really thankful for my "little" brother. Even though he is 8 years younger than me he has already taught me many lessons in life.

This week we were able to enjoy a concert at the Ark in Ann Arbor. He and I went to see Alejandro Escovedo perform. The concert rocked and we had great time! We don't get to spend much time together so it was nice to have the opportunity. It was especially meaningful after the events of last week.

Meditation and the 'Art' of Gardening...

The weather has been so nice lately that I have been able to get out into the yard and start my gardening. It's really just yard work but calling it gardening makes it seem like less of a chore. I like to say that I am going out to meditate in nature!



There is a lot to do because I haven't been the best with keeping up with everything. I hurt my back many years ago and it has been very difficult to bend over, crouch and kneel to do what I need to do to keep the yard up. This year is different though. I started yoga about 2 1/2 months ago and I am feeling better every week. I now feel well enough to tackle many things that I have put off for years! Yeay!!!



Much has already been done but there is still lots to do! I am lucky to have my husband to help! He has been digging up the ground for me. I am hoping to have the garden about twice the size that you see already dug up. Right now it's about 6ft x 8ft.



I am planning on planting green beans, beets, grape or cherry tomatoes, peppers, Chinese turnips, and maybe carrots. I know it is late for some of these veggies but it is hard to get anything in earlier with my husband's and my schedules. So what ever comes up is great!



Some of the veggies will be planted in containers although probably not in the ones you see here. I think they have seen better days. If I can I will fix them but I am not optimistic about it.



I love being able to create not only my art but also my world or experience. I read a great book many years ago about becoming a 'Conscious Creator'... that is being conscious of all the choices we make and how they create the life that we experience. That includes the thoughts we choose to think and words we choose to say as well as the the actions we choose to take. I am choosing to take more time to do those things that make me happy. 'Meditating' in my 'Garden' is one of those things.

Introspection

Today is the anniversary of the death of one of my artist mentor/friends. It has been several years since his death but I still think of him often...



Today, as I was driving to the chiropractor enjoying the sunshine, I suddenly became hyper-aware of where I was. I was driving by a building where one of my friend's sculptures resides and had to take a peek over at it. Up to that point I hadn't remembered the anniversary and it wasn't until that moment when I realized the significance of the day and of that moment.

It's funny how we seem to subconsciously be aware of these significant anniversaries in our lives. You never know when or how you will be reminded but it always seems to be just what you needed for that day. My friend was kind, intelligent, talented, funny and inspiring. He also suffered from depression and finally lost his battle with it. It's quite ironic that he took his life on April Fools Day... he did have a twisted sense of humor. It's also a chilling reminder to me that a few words he spoke to me almost 20 years ago became my mantra during my own battle with depression. When he took his life, I was just starting to come out of the darkest period of my depression. It was a very jarring wake up call for me.

Today I am happy to say that my depression is gone and I so appreciate being HERE and having THIS experience we call life. Remembering my friend on a beautiful sunny day reminds me of how far I have come and how thankful I am for it. I so wish that he didn't have to go through what he went through but I know we all have our own paths to walk during our journey here. Mine is definitely better for knowing him...and I have a feeling that this won't be the last time that I am reminded of what he has given me.

The Perfect Antidote...

for those winter blues.











The day that I made my last post, my husband brought me these tulips. There couldn't have been more perfect timing.

That's what I get for marrying my soul mate.

Stop the Madness!!!

Wouldn't you like to stop the madness every once in a while? No I don't mean kill yourself... Just stop the madness that you create every day. The stuff that pushes you to asking yourself "What did I get myself into?", "When is this going to end?", "Why can't I just say no?", or even "What is wrong with me?".

I have been working my butt off for years now trying to "make something of myself". I spend hours at a computer, easel or desk with my bad back getting worse and worse. I am overweight and out of shape and have been going to the chiropractor approximately once a week for the past 10 years. For many reasons I decided to do the Breast Cancer walk, one of which I thought it would be that it's the perfect incentive to get myself back into an exercise routine to get back into shape. My thinking was that it would help me while I am helping others.

Well... weeks went by and I found myself "too busy" to work out. The madness was running the show. When the week of the event came, I realized that it was too late and I would have to deal with whatever came my way. That week I also found myself "too busy" to go to the chiropractor until the last minute and by then I was to tight for him to give me a good adjustment. So I walked the 5 miles 40 lbs overweight, out of shape with my back severely misaligned and you know what? ...the experience surprised me.

It was a brisk fall morning with the sun shining beautifully. The weather was perfect and the walking was easy, encouraged by great company and the high spirits and energy of the event. It was only at the 3.5 mile mark that I noticed my feet were starting to hurt and by the end of the walk my knee and hips had started to hurt a little as well. As the rest of the day progressed after the walk though, I gradually felt more and more achy. So when bedtime rolled around I took 2 advil before hitting the sheets and the next day, when I woke up, almost all of my pain was gone. My back was better than it's been in a couple of years!

The whole experience has made me want to say "Eff it all!" Here I am trying to "make something of myself" doing something I love but feeling physically terrible while doing it and ending up feeling mentally terrible as well. Then I go and do something physical that I feel is probably beyond what I should be doing (and maybe it is because of my state of health) and I feel better! Doesn't make any sense!

The only thing that I can think of is that I have been an athlete my whole life. I played softball for years, both slow and fast pitch. When I got tired of that I started playing hockey. That lasted about 7 years until the injuries added up to more back and neck pain than I could stand. So I quit and haven't been the same since, gradually getting more and more out of shape and overweight. I know losing the weight will help my back but like I said before I keep finding myself "too busy". That 5 mile walk showed me that I can push myself harder than I thought and it is stupid for me to let life get in the way. I am going to do my best to stop "the madness". Life is far too short. Thanks for listening.



from left to right: my cousin Cindy, my cousin Ann, me, Ann's friend Renee

Fall Blues...

Yes... fall blues since it is not technically winter yet (even though there is more of that white stuff today).

Lately I have been uninspired and unmotivated. Part of it is the way my life has been going and part of it is the time of year. Every year, I can feel myself slowing down as the cold weather approaches. As the days get shorter I also feel the effects of less sunshine. The blueness seems to permeate everything unless I can keep myself occupied enough to forget it. Good thing is that I know it is only temporary. The slowing down also seems to panic me as I know Christmas is just around the corner. There never seems to be enough time to do what I need to do let alone add in the holiday stuff. I just want to curl up in a blanket and snuggle down until it starts to warm up again. Unfortunately I can't do that although when I really think about it I'm not sure I would really want to. I just want the energy and motivation that spring, warm weather, and sunshine bring.